submission from this week's print edition editorial page...

Do You Recognize this Person?
Domestic abuse comes in all forms. Some of the telltale signs include verbally demeaning strangers, children, or spouses. An abusive person might belittle his children or spouse by discounting their efforts or value as individuals and human beings. They often want things exactly their way and no one else is good enough.
They often attempt to control their families through verbal and physical intimidation. Money or credit cards are a common way to control others in their family; they often put dependents through endless repeating cycles of verbal or physical degradation followed by sudden unexpected monetary reward. They deny basic human requirements like medical treatment to other family members while sparing no expense for their own health care.
They often have self-esteem problems. They make themselves feel better by tearing down those they view as more successful or better liked. Controlling, abusive people might reach outside their own families and try to exert control or influence on their community, extending their control of others through malicious rumors or anonymous hate letters.
As at home and in the general community around them, they often can’t get along with others at work. They always seem to have issues with workplace supervisors or bosses, or with coworkers whom they consider more successful or better liked. Instead of congratulating others for good work or advancement they might refer to them as “suck-ups”.
Abusive controlling people can be experts at putting on a façade. They abuse or ignore their families in private, but go overboard looking proud and caring in public. They might appear very friendly to casual acquaintances, even those who they have maliciously attacked or undermined. They often befriend the very people they work to destroy, once they feel they have control or have beaten them down enough. These are the people who adopt children or rescue animals to impress others, only to beat and abuse them when they fail to meet the unrealistic expectations of the abusive controlling person.
Abusive controlling people often can’t handle minor traffic problems. They are the ones who throw things at other drivers, give obscene gestures, and demand everyone on the highway follow the rules and courtesies they expect. The abusive control freak does not allow or accept any error or mistake by others on the road, just as the abusive person allows no deviation from his standards at home, at work, or in the community.
They are often estranged from their own extended family. For the abuser, taking is more important than giving. This results in a failure of extended family relationships, since their efforts to control extended family often fail. They are generally negative about everyone else in their extended family, just as they are abusive and negative about their close family.
Alcohol or drug abuse often run parallel with the symptoms and signs listed above. Abusive controlling people often have little control of their own addictions, including pornography and sexual deviancies. Their control of others is a way to restore their shattered self-esteem as they have no control over their own inadequacies.
If you are in a relationship with an abusive spouse there is help. There is a national domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You can read about domestic abuse on the Internet at www.helpguide.org. Look under the abuse and addictions link. If you or your children are being abused, the community will stand behind you. The abuser is a problem to all of us.
-Submitted